Sex, Pipe-weed, and Rock N' Roll
by Shadout Mapes
Summary: Sauron finds a new evil plan (finally...) involving using music to control people's minds. Chapters 1-4 up. It will progress, even if I only get flames for reviews.
1. So the plan begins

Sex, Pipe-Weed, and Rock n' Roll  
  
Note: Okay, the setting for this is, what if Sauron, the Nazguls, and Barad- dur weren't destroyed with the ring. I mean, c'mon, it was Sauron's ring, he's have to be quite a fucking idiot if he made a ring that destroyed his entire empire when it goes. Just imagine, "Yes! Finally! The Ring to rule the- whoops!" there it goes down Mt. Doom. But that's another fic altogether. Anyways, Sauron decides to subvert minds against the king using the great power of… punk rock.  
  
  
  
Sauron was wracking his mind on the design plans. Would it work? He tried constantly to look at it all. He finally turned to his accomplice, known as The Mouth of Sauron in the books, but since he doesn't have a name, let's give him a good one for evil dominions; Bob.  
  
"What do you think? Will the blueprints work? Shall we send it to the orcs in the mountains?"  
  
Bob looked at the plan for a long moment. On the blueprint was a picture of a large ring, with some markings, and some notes about how the markings should be made so they can only be visible by heat, and how the blueprint was not actual size.  
  
"Well, Lord… this is the exact blueprint we've had for all the other rings we made…" Bob started nervously, though noticed the eyebrow on Sauron go up in question. He would have been frightened, if he hadn't suddenly totally zoomed out wondering why he never noticed that the Dark Lord ever had eyebrows…  
  
"And?!," Sauron asked, not in a happy mood, and then proceeded to zoom out wondering how the Great Dark Lord could have any moods other than evil ones.  
  
"Well, sir, we've made billions selling trademark golden rings all over Gondor from our works, I don't see why we couldn't go into business, you could live greatly, and hire half decent servants then these smelly orcs." It was an extremely civil proposition, so Bob knew this meant he'd be in trouble big this time, and winced, ready for another scar.  
  
Sauron stayed still for a second, to decide what to do. He needed the ring matter to be resolved urgently, and sending Bob back to the hospital would mean another few months of delay before he regained consciousness and could give advice. However, he could not go without punishment.  
  
Bob, I'm giving you 20 minutes to resolve this ring situation; you run out of time, you get hurt. Sauron knew how to motivate his employees.  
  
"Uhh… sss… sir, uhh…. Can you remember exactly what you did that made the first ring so special?" Bob's mind was trained to actually work faster under pressure, a skill he learned to be good for his job.  
  
Sauron paused. He remembered the summer; it was one of the funnest he'd ever had. His friend, known all around the world for his horrible music, Axl Rose showed up one day with a cartload of pipe-weed and kegs. They were totally drilled for the summer, well, he personally hated Axl, but as long as he brought so much weed to the house, he didn't care. It was very faint after that, but he remembered that while he was totally wasted, he remembered, he had to make the ring! He remembered the lava in Mt. Doom, the heat, and… suddenly, it came back to him, Axl had come up to Mt. Doom in a drunk stupor, and was bleeding all over the place for some reason… the ring must've had his blood in it!  
  
"Uhh… boss? You've been out for 15 minutes, I usually don't bother you during flashbacks, but I only have 5 minutes before-"  
  
"Silence!" Sauron thought for a moment, and he knew what he had to do. "Axl Rose is simply too evil, if I had known the ring was made of his blood, I would never have made it…"  
  
Bob gasped, "The horror Axl Rose has been here, in this land?!" He ran shrieking from the room. He eventually ran into Gollum and they had a magnificent sex romp, which is not in this story because I'm not a sicko.  
  
Sauron sighed, not for the loss of his assistant, he could use the Nazguls until he found another, and many fled the land of Morder when they learned Axl Rose had lived there. He was young, and it was before Axl started the horror that was Guns N' Roses.  
  
But anyways, the reason he sighed was that his entire "Lord of the Rings" saga had finally ended, he knew it would end someday, but it was fun while it lasted. Except when he got his finger chopped off, that sucked ass.  
  
"Well, it lasted longer than I expected, time for another evil plan to dominate for another few eons," he said to himself. This is not because he is a psychopath, it's because I couldn't think of a better way of him saying it, and I wanted him to. Maybe he could've said it to a guarding orc, but he didn't.  
  
He sat in silence. Wait a second… that's not silence, that's loud noise. Why was there loud noise? He went towards the noise, and found that it was coming from one of the Nazgul's rooms. He opened it up, and found him dressed in all black as usual, but he was smashing things with a rusted pipe and listening to loud music. He turned off the music.  
  
"Nazgul #… uhh… hey, NAZGUL!" The man continued to break things with the rusted pipe, until he realized the music wasn't playing. He then turned around, and suddenly realized Sauron was in the room and stopped. He dropped the metal pipe and bowed.  
  
"Are you listening to music? Music is a form of joy and pleasure! I thought I told you to do only evil things!"  
  
The Nazgul, hell, this is annoying, let's call him Tom, protested, "No, this is evil music! I swear! A band called Black Sabbath writes it! I only listen to evil music, honest!"  
  
Sauron looked at the album on top of the CD player, "'We Sold Our Soul For Rock N' Roll'! Why haven't I heard of this! I told you numbasses to clear every soul possession through me, and I certainly didn't clear a," he looked at the back of the CD, "'Ozzy Osbourne', or 'Tony' I… ee… I certainly wouldn't clear anyone's name who I can't pronounce!"  
  
"No, no, it's just a joke. This type of music, it gets into your brain, and wires your nerves, man…" said Tom, sounding like a doofus.  
  
Sauron suddenly stopped. A thought went into his head at that moment. And the only thoughts that go through his head fast are the evil ones.  
  
"Gets in your brain, eh? Can I borrow a few CDs, look at some material, Tom?" Tom scattered about the room, guessing that Tom was the new name for him. He picked out a few and handed them to Sauron. He looked over them, many bands from the previously mentioned Black Sabbath to Nirvana to Marylin Manson ("Hey, I know that guy!") to The Sex Pistols.  
  
Well, if what you say is true, I shall have a plan in store for the middle- world…" He than began to laugh hysterically in an evil manner, of course, politely stepping out of the room to let Tom continue smashing things up. 


	2. Black Death Winged Sex Angels

Black Death Winged Sex Angels  
  
Whoo! In honor of actually getting an entire review, I'm gonna add another chapter! Yeah, I know, I would've added a chapter despite all bad reviews; I just expected more feedback. At least it was a good author who responded. Anyways, on this one, you'll actually figure out what Sauron's gonna do. Yeah, he be one evil mofo. Oh, and also, after talking to my friends I figured out that so many references to drugs constitute a PG-13 rating. Oh, and by the way, Frodo never went on that weird quest at the end of Return of the King, he just stayed at Bag End. And Sam moved out to get some privacy with his woman. And it takes place about 1443 or so.  
  
Sauron called a council to his Ringwraiths (anyone else notice I completely forgot about that word last chapter?). They all gathered, wondering what it was about. Yes, even Tom, who had suffered many concussions since he last met with the Dark Lord in our last story, had no idea what it was about.  
  
"My trusted servants, I have finally found a use for you since your rings ran out of power and you became complete dumbskulls," Sauron said to his servants, who did not notice they were being insulted. "I have became aware that music cannot only be something that can be used to make people happy, but also to warp minds. So my idea is that if we were to make an entire race of people fall under our influence, we can abuse them and take pleasure in it while they think they're having a good time!"  
  
"Oh, I see," said one of the wraiths that I'll call James said. "So you're saying we are dry and therefore too cool for our own good?"  
  
"What the hell are you talking about? No, no, look, we're just going to start a band, okay? James, you be guitarist because Jimmy is a good guitarist name. Tom, you're good at banging on things, you're drummer. John, you have a horrible British accent, you're vocalist. Adam, you're a braindead pothead, you're bassist. Chris, Bruce, and Lars are roadies who lug the band's shit around for no reason. Dennis, you're a complete sissy; you'll be the groupie. I'm the manager, songwriter, producer, engineer, and I get all the money and benefits. You'll be called the Black Death Winged Sex Angels. Any questions?"  
  
"… What'd you say again?" Adam asked.  
  
"Shutup," Sauron quickly replied, "I already bought all your shit and wrote a few songs which are rip-offs of songs written by people cooler than us. Let's practice!" Sauron knew it would be a long month trying to get them to be able to play something decently. But it would be worth it, oh yes; it would be worth it.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~  
  
Gandalf was walking around contemplating. What was the Dark Lord, with all his infinite wisdom, doing right now? To tell him that he was trying to teach his Ringwraiths how to play "Drain You" with slightly distorted lyrics ("Pass it back and forth/Through a soul-sucking kiss/ I hate you….") would've gotten you some strange looks from him.  
  
Anyways, to be perfectly honest, Gandalf was fucking bored. He spent his entire life going around saving people half his age, and now he didn't have a thing to do. "Fucking 'Dominion of Man,'" he grumbled, "How the hell did mortals get their own age anyways?"  
  
After a while of being bored at his home, he decided to go out to kill Saruman for the hell of it. The chase led him here to The Shire where he figured out that Wormtoungue himself slit Saruman's throat! Damn, he should've killed Saruman when he led Frodo back to The Shire, but then Frodo would've been all, "No, don't hurt living people, it's bad, Bob Marley says so," and all that other crap. So far he had spent most of his time playing pranks on the people of Hobbiton, and he always got a nice guffaw whenever he turned himself invisible, sneaked up behind a Hobbit, and give it a Mega-Wedgie, but it got old after doing it 20 or so times.  
  
Gandalf finally decided to see Frodo. He decided he'd really get a kick out of telling him a bunch of crap about the Dark Lord rising, then they could go into Morder and kick some orc ass. After all, adventures weren't fun unless you get to make some sword-toting hero-like guy (see: Aragorn) kill the enemy while you pretend you're doing something by raising your staff in the air and saying a bunch of stupid-sounding words. Hell, once he was saying a bunch of stupid words and accidentally cast a spell that totally destroyed everything within 100 yards. Haha, he accidentally killed the 'bait' (his word for the sword-toting hero, see above).  
  
As he went toward the house he heard extremely loud music emanating from it. He covered his ears as he entered the house (without permission, of course). As he went into the living, suddenly Frodo jumped in there air- guitaring on a broom and singing along to the song playing.  
  
"Dun! Dunununu, NO RECESS! Dun, dunununu, NO RECEEEEEESSS, NO RECESS, Dun, Dunununu, NO RECEEEEES, uh-NO RECESS!!!!!" He raised his hand in the air as cheering came from the stereo (he was listening to a live album, From the Muddy Banks of the Wishkah to be exact). It wasn't until then that he noticed Gandalf right in front of him staring. He dropped the broom and turned off the stereo.  
  
Hey Gandalf," he said, replacing the broom, acting as though he hadn't done a thing. "What's shakin'?"  
  
Gandalf thought for a second at what he should do. When he decided he did it.  
  
It's horrible!" he said, jumping forward, his hands on Frodo's shoulders, "The Dark Lord will return from Morder and kill us all!"  
  
"Oh Christ," Frodo exclaimed despite not knowing anything about Jesus Christ, "What is it now, that Mithril I inherited from Bilbo is actually the 'One Mithril'? I can imagine it now, 'One mail to rule them all, one mail to bind them. One mail to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.' Why is Bilbo so bad at giving gifts?"  
  
Gandalf thought for a second about whether or not to confirm the Mithril was evil just to hurry it up. But he decided not to play with Frodo's sarcasm. "I, uhh, detect evil coming from Morder, besides, we should kill Sauron anyways!"  
  
Frodo was unconvinced so far. "Why didn't the 'Great King' kill him anyways? Isn't that why the remade that sword in the first place? Dumbskulls…"  
  
"Sauron is becoming too powerful! We must do something, Gonder heeds us!" Gandalf was desperate now; he really needed to kill orcs often to stay healthy.  
  
"Jeez, fine then, I'll go, but I don't see what difference it'll make against him anyways. I'll go see if Sam can come; he's got my sword. Have you seen Sam lately? He has a life now! If you call having sex with Rosie all the time a life, which I personally do."  
  
"Does that mean Merry and Pippin are coming too?" Gandalf asked, trying and failing to mask the disappointment in the sentence.  
  
"Oh no, that just complicates the story, besides, they're tired of you always insulting them for no reason." Frodo made his way out to see Sam, while Gandalf took out some Pipe-Weed and chilled. As those of you who actually read the story know, Gandalf is da pipe-weed mastah. He recently went to Hempfest '42 and got the Gold for Best Smoke Rings. He only got Bronze for Most Pipe-Weed smoked, but he didn't care, he didn't need to smoke much anyways; he had low tolerance.  
  
He had pretty much lost track of time when Frodo came back with Sam. "I'm not sure about this adventure," he said, "I don't want to leave Rosie and Elanor alone for too long…"  
  
"Oh, I'll just freeze time here in Hobbiton for a bit. Let's go already!"  
  
"Shouldn't we pack first?" asked Frodo, refraining from calling Gandalf an impatient bitch.  
  
"No, no, we're already packed cause the author wants to move the plot without it being boring."  
  
Frodo finally shrugged, "Fine by me." They all walked on out of Hobbiton for their next adventure as Gandalf froze time in Hobbiton, hoping no one else in The Shire would notice.  
  
"This is getting boring," said Frodo as Gandalf winced knowing what was coming. "I have an idea! 'I see a little silluetto of a man'"  
  
Gandalf closed his ears as Sam and Frodo yelled, "Scalamoo! Scalamoo! Will you do the fandango!" It was going to be a long trip for Gandalf.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~  
  
Sauron grinned. He was in his recording studio. Time for the first big hit. "Alright the Black Death Winged Sex Angels with 'God Save the King!'" (To the tune of 'God Save the Queen' by the Sex Pistols, no duh) "First take!"  
  
The chords started out running before they slowed down. They finally died down to a lower volume as the lyrics came in. Bass plays roots of chords.  
  
"God Save the King!  
  
The fascist regime!  
  
They made you a moron!  
  
Potential ringbearer!  
  
God Save the King!  
  
He ain't no human being!  
  
There is no future…  
  
And Gondor's dreaming…"  
  
The next verse was a sort of interlude thingy where the chords followed the words.  
  
"Don't be told what you want you want, yeah  
  
Don't be told what you want you need!  
  
There's no future, no future!  
  
No future for you!"  
  
Now it goes back into the regular verse, but the chords are louder and stuff.  
  
"God save the King!  
  
We mean it, maaan!  
  
We love our King!  
  
God saaaaves!"  
  
Before going into the next verse the guitar does a few cool sounding mutes.  
  
"God Save the King!  
  
'Cos tourists are moneeey!  
  
And our figure head….  
  
Is not what she seems….  
  
Oh, God Save History!  
  
God Save your mad parade!  
  
Oh Lord God have mercy-a!  
  
All crimes are paid!"  
  
Another interlude-like thingy.  
  
"Oh, when there's no future, how can there be sin?  
  
We're the flowers in the dustbin!  
  
We're the poison in your human machine!  
  
We're the future, your future!"  
  
Another standard verse.  
  
"God Save the King!  
  
We mean it, maaaan!  
  
We love our King!  
  
God Saaaaaves!"  
  
Guitar solo! It's very simple and easy to play… and quick. Back to verse.  
  
"God Save the King!  
  
We mean it, maaan!  
  
There is no future…  
  
In England's dreaming…."  
  
Now the outro, finally. This is what gets stuck in your head.  
  
"Noooooooooooooooo future!  
  
Noooooooooooooooo future!  
  
Noooooooooooooooo future for you!  
  
Noooooooooooooooo future!  
  
Noooooooooooooooo future!  
  
Noooooooooooooooo future for meeeeee!  
  
Noooooooooooooooo future!  
  
Noooooooooooooooo future!  
  
Noooooooooooooooo future for you!  
  
Noooooo future!  
  
Noooooo future!  
  
Noooooo future for yoooouuu!!!!!!"  
  
The guitar, bass and drum do a little "Bam!" to end it.  
  
  
  
A.N.: Haha, that last bit was fun. Though I'm not sure how many LOTR fans have heard that song, it's a damn good one. I know I rushed too much on the Gandalf-Frodo scenes, but all I wanted was Gandalf to catch Frodo singing "School" by Nirvana. Hope you liked it! If ya did, tell me. If ya didn't flame me. Don't care either way. 


	3. Meanwhile, back at the castle

Meanwhile, back at the castle.  
  
Ho! And entire other review! Well, anyways, this one's gonna be about Argon's reaction to the new band. They got popular immediately because they have so many good songs, even though they were ripped off of cooler bands. Well, here we go. BDWSA = Black Death Winged Sex Angels. GSA = Gondor Secret Service.  
  
  
  
Ah, it was a great day to be king. Just like every other day! Heh, Aragorn thought, I am so cool. He looked in one of the many nearby mirrors. Still beautiful as always. He gave himself a wink, but turned away when he heard the door open. He grinned at Arwen.  
  
"Hey beautiful, you haven't been sitting on your throne too much lately. Something wrong?" Arwen had a pained look on her face, which Aragorn was too ignorant to notice.  
  
"Why do we have to sit on our throne all day? Shouldn't we be doing something, like, actually helping the citizens of Gondor with their problems and judging on court cases or something like that?" Arwen got very bored in the years since she got to wonder around Rivendell and go to feasts and have fun partying every night. Now she had practically nothing to do. Aragorn saw the look on her face and thought he could try cheering her up.  
  
"What's wrong babe, need the 'royal treatment'?" he said with a wink. Arwen audibly groaned, which the king didn't notice because he was already looking back at the mirror. It was easier back in Rivendell where whenever Aragorn's ego got too high she could ask her father to get some thugs on him to give him a damper (it's not well known that Elrond was actually a mob king, but that's why everyone's out to get him. Aragorn wondered why he was granting gifts to people at his wedding.). But now his ego was boosted and she had to avoid him at all times.  
  
"No! Umm… I'm, uh, still on my period." Aragorn had a puzzled look on his face.  
  
"Are you sure it's normal for elves to be on periods for months at a time?" Aragorn asked with doubt. It was times like these that Arwen was glad he was an idiot.  
  
"Of course, I know these things." She gave herself a mental note to tell the doctor that if Aragorn asks, Elves do have periods for so long amounts at a time.  
  
Just then, one of the royal servants came running in. "Sir, it's an emergency! There's a mob outside, they're having an illegal giant party and playing loud music from the band Black Death Winged Sex Angels!"  
  
"Ohh, this is an easy one, Dave," Aragorn said, "just make the party legal!" He smiled in satisfaction at his own 'infinite' wisdom.  
  
"But they're playing anti-establishment songs! We can't do anything about it! What are we going to do?!" As you can tell, David was one of those whiney people who complains all the time (also known as a 'martyr').  
  
"Jeez, calm down, let me see the crowd, I want to know how desperate this is," he said as he went out the door towards a balcony in the castle overlooking the city, as strange as it is that he had one. "And what's an 'established meant?"  
  
Dave winced, "Establishment, sir. You see, the Black Death Winged Sex Angels are making songs that either make fun of you, the way you run things, or are just loud and obnoxious.  
  
"How can they make fun of someone as beautiful as me? And besides, I don't run things, I hire lackeys to do that!" Aragorn shouted like a pouty child.  
  
"That's precisely why they make fun of you, sir. They think that's bad." Aragorn mumbled some curse words just before they came upon the balcony, and the city was filled with people burning things, loud music was playing, and pipe-weed was in the air.  
  
"As you can see, they're totally out of control, and-"  
  
"Oh my God!" Aragorn shouted in amazement, "Look at all those people! There must be… one, two, three, four… at least a hundred!"  
  
"That would be 3 million, sir," Dave said feeling uncomfortable from the days when, if someone proved Denethor wrong, he'd go into a mad frenzy and eat them alive on the spot. "Anyway, as I was saying, pipe-weed use has increased by 80%, and-"  
  
"Look!" Aragorn shouted like a child towards a large 'Black Death Winged Sex Angels' poster. "Those guys look familiar…"  
  
"Yes, sir, we believe them to be Ringwraiths from the great war, but in those black costumes, we cannot be sure, so we cannot press charges."  
  
"Huh? No, those are the guys who kept beating me up every once and a while back in Rivendell! Really put a damper on my ego…" Aragorn still had nightmares involving them…  
  
"Umm, sir, whoever or whatever they are is unknown unless they're unmasked." Suddenly, a thought came into Dave's head he said that.  
  
"Nonsense! They also smell just like those guys!" Aragorn said without knowing that the men who were usually assigned to beating the shit out of him were the same that handled the illegal pipe-weed organization of Elrond's. Saruman would have gotten quite a bit more pipe-weed if Elrond hadn't caught gist of it and set the whole thing up so that all the pipe- weed that supposedly went to 'Sharkey's men' had actually been smuggled back to Rivendell. But once again, another fic, if you want to hear it, just ask me. (AN you know, I think I actually will write another fic involving Elrond's secret mob activities… it would be fun.)  
  
"Uhmm… sir, that smell is pipe-weed, it's not actually coming from the poster-"  
  
"Nonsense! Now look, how long has this been going on?" asked Aragorn, his head literally cooking with plans (much like a computer, his head actually overheated with use).  
  
"Umm… about 2 weeks… sir, is you hair in fire?!!"  
  
"Shutup! Now it would take about 2 months to get here from Rivendell… that would be 8 weeks… plus 2… umm… jeez… 10 weeks! We can just see who left Rivendell 10 weeks ago and we have it!" he exclaimed, the smell of smoke from his head actually overcame the smell of pipe-weed. "Then we have our culprits!"  
  
"Uhh… yes, sir!" said Dave, barely able to take his eyes off Aragorn's head, "I'll do that!" he lied.  
  
As they made their way back to the Throne Room, Dave took his mind off the King's steaming head for a second… all he had to do was hire some GSA to unmask the BDWSA. If they were wraiths, then either they'd have them and could arrest them for "Ring related crimes" (a very open accusation which they've used to put away people who tear tags off mattresses for life), or they'd kill the GSA and they could arrest them for murder. A talk with the king was what he needed.  
  
They then arrived at the Throne Room, where, to Aragorn's surprise (though not to Dave's), Robert, a knight for the king, was making out with Arwen, she was on her throne and he was over her.  
  
"Arwen! Robert! What's happening here?!" Aragorn exclaimed.  
  
"Umm, sir," Robert started, "Well, you see- Oh my God!! Is that smoke coming from your head?!!"  
  
"SHUTUP!!"  
  
Oh, you see… Arwen was choking on a glass of water, I had to give her mouth- to-mouth to save her…"  
  
"Really? Wow… many thanks, Sir Robert, I am in your debt."  
  
Arwen audibly sighed knowing that Aragorn wouldn't notice. She was glad that after catching her and Robert for the third time this month, he still hadn't caught on, even after Robert's lame, 'Sleepfucking' excuse last week. And even after the rumors had traveled all throughout the court, her stupid husband didn't notice. Why did her daddy have to have a daughter related to royalty? She knew her dad just wanted to give kickbacks, and Aragorn had been accepting them without noticing it.  
  
"Robert, Dave, you are dismissed. Oh- but Dave, can you bring me a bowl of water to dip my head in?" They left with confused looks on their faces.  
  
Arwen then had to ask, "Umm, honey, do you think I can go 'thank' Robert for saving me?"  
  
"Oh yes of course!" said Aragorn, turning away from the mirror, not even noticing the tone of her voice in the word 'thank' or how quickly she went off.  
  
AN Well, I think that was a bit of a short chapter… damn, and it's only 11 PM… I may even write another chapter before the night is done… And I haven't been writing as much recently cause I just had a giant lapse of 36 hours of sleep in 3 days to make up for things. 


	4. Frodo's Reaction

Frodo's Reaction  
  
AN Well well well, the Black Death Winged Sex Angels go on tour, and Frodo figures out about it (him and Sauron and the Nazgul's are the only ones who know about music outside this world, maybe something about the ring or something... and Frodo let Sam in on his CDs... or something like that, I don't know, it just sounds cool). Gollum knows about good music too, but he's too busy with Bob. Also, I couldn't resist the bit with Kitty-chan after she plugged this fic in hers (But I won't go to far, just in case you don't actually know what a 'groupie' is... plus, I don't know what gender Stookly is.). You'll see. Anyways, basically, the GSA tries to do their job, and Frodo tries to stop the BDWSA from continuing being popular. I wrote a fic on Elrond's mob, BTW. I think it may actually end up rocking.  
  
Sauron was pacing because I like to start off stories with things like that. He wasn't actually nervous about the band's performance, he knew they were defiantly obnoxious enough to stay popular. It was the band's first performance, and the tour was almost all sold out. He knew what state Gondor was in, and he loved it. It amused him when he figured out that the heir of Isildur was such a dumbass. Some of you may have remembered in the book that Aragorn 'scared' Sauron when showing him Anduril. If anything, Sauron's morale was boosted! Aragorn was all "I am the heir of Isildur, and I am, like, cool, hear me roar!" Ha! And then he dropped Anduril of his foot! What a fucking klutz!! And then he got a #1 hit with God Save the King, but the Billboard couldn't say that, cause the song was banned. So they simply said that no song got #1! (A true story about God Save the Queen).  
  
Anyways, Sauron looked over the set list. I'll write it out with comments for amusement, I hope it's not too obvious I just went through my favorite CDs and picked things:  
  
1. Intro. Basically the band makes a bunch of noise and screams. It took him a while to train the Nazguls how to do this without breaking the equipment.  
2. Drain You. Nirvana. The version mentioned a few (two, I put the word 'few' for an effect of some sort) parts back.  
3. Anarchy in the GK. Sex Pistols. A spoof on my actual favorite Sex Pistols song (or is it Bodies?), I just chose the other cause I can't think of lyrics.  
4. Lithium. Nirvana. "I'm so happy, cause today I smoked cocaine, I don't feel bad." Yeh, I know most people don't smoke cocaine, but it sounds better that way.  
5. Rape You. Nirvana. Yup, the assholes actually took an anti-rape song and turned it around.  
6. Lord Sauron Will Have His Revenge on Gondor. Nirvana. "I miss the comfort in kicking ass!"  
7. Swimsuit Issue. Sonic Youth. I just wanted to have the line, "Don't touch my ring!"  
8. Hairspray Queen. Nirvana. They don't give credit, even though it's a direct cover. An extremely annoying song. Imagine this sung with an obnoxious British Accent.  
9. Paranoid. Black Sabbath. "Finished with King Gondor though I couldn't give him a piece of my mind!"  
10. God Save the King. Gotta save the best for the time when the concert is at it's peak  
11. Sauron Man. Black Sabbath. Ah, just imagine...  
12. Shut Up and Die. Aerosmith. "Don't be Elfish, Shut Up and Die!" I really should release some songfics, no? "Dying... is like... getting shot! You stand there... get shot... and die!"  
13. The Pain Song. Led Zeppelin. Put on tons of distortion, quicken it up, and change the lyrics of the song, and you've got yerself an angst song. "I've killed a third of Gondor's people... I never thought, the Orcs would ever go-oo!"  
14. Walk This Way. Aerosmith. During the bit where there's rapping, the lead singer just says stuff like, "rodnog fo gnik eth tsniaga pu esir ot noruas fo eman eth ni, dnammoc I!" You know the sort.  
15. Misty Mountain Hop. Led Zeppelin. It's about Bilbo leaving Bag-End and a kid's first trip on acid, what more could you want?  
16. God Save the King encore. At the end, they totally wreck the equipment to prevent any more encores, and because they want to. At least Sauron bought super cheap equipment.  
  
Ahh... Sauron loved it. He did one last check on the guitars to make sure they were exactly 1/4 step out of tune, and finally sent the Nazgul's out to play.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Frodo, Sam, and Gandalf arrived very fast. I don't know why, though. Gandalf had gotten very pissed during the trip, and was pretty much permanently in a bad mood. Anyways, when the heard about the Black Death Winged Sex Angels, Frodo was enraged.  
  
"I can't believe it! They rip off a bunch of good bands! They suck so much ass! Plus, I think they tried to kill me once!" Gandalf 'hmphed'.  
  
"No, if they are the Ringwraiths, they were probably just going to capture and torture you..." he ran off. Then he quickly changed the subject, "So, what's the plan, we gather up our materials and murder them horrendously? Considering that they write songs about Sauron, I'm guessing there's a 99% chance they are working for him."  
  
Frodo thought for a second. "Okay, sounds fine to me." Him, Sam, and Gandalf made plans to kill them after their first concert...  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Phil and Jacob were making their way backstage. They were.... Super Secret Agents! Well, they actually spent most of their time in the GSA looking at pornography on the Internet. But they did it in a Super Secret way!  
  
Well, now they were finally assigned to a decent assignment, Phil thought. Heheh... get it? Assigned to an assi- well, nevermind.  
  
"Well, I think we're almost there," said Jacob, looking at the large map he had in hand. They had been wondering around backstage for a few hours, trying to get to the room where the band was before the band got there, though they could already hear that the band had finished. It was quite an effort to go, the snakes were especially hard, as well as the trapdoor into the mosh pit when they had to take the shortcut over the huge venue. However, the part that slowed them down was when they had to sneak past the lasers, especially considering what a klutz Phil is.  
  
They entered the door at the end of the hall they were in, and they found themselves in a library. Jacob silently cursed himself, wondering how much searching he'd have to do. "Ohhh! Kama Sutra!" Bill exclaimed, while Jacob silently cursed himself. What a perv, all he does all day is look up porn...  
  
Let's see, Jacob thought, according to the map, the opening to the room should be on this side of the room... he looked at the book, and found one called, "Pull This Book To Open Up The Door." Most interesting...  
  
"Ohhh!!!" Phil said with interest in an annoying way, "I wonder what this does?" He pulled the book.  
  
"No! You fucking idiot!!" But it was too late. He jumped and shoved Phil to the side as the entire bookshelf came crashing down on them, and they were an instant away from death. Behind the bookshelf was a space where there was a door.  
  
"Well," said Phil, who gave a toothy grin, "I'll bet you want to thank me, now!" Jacob hit him in the face hard and went for the door.  
  
He opened it up. He found what he was looking for, a room filled with the band members, the roadies, the one termed groupie, who was pissed off at being called a girl. A man dressed in black armor was there, which he didn't know was Sauron, plus a few humans.  
  
"Look," said Sauron, "'When I was a Nazgul... I liked to cause pain more...' Territorial Pissings by Nirvana! Plus, when Gondor sees this, they'll try to arrest us, and we can get the people to throw Gondor over and it will basically become part of Mordor!" Sauron was pleased with this plan. He then noticed Jacob. "Who're you?"  
  
Jacob couldn't believe it. If he exposed them, they'd finish the plan even faster! His only choice was to go back to Gondor and alert them. Then, he realized that The Dark Lord was right in front of him. He promptly turned around and ran. But then he bumped into Phil. Shit.  
  
"Don't worry, friend!" Phil ran for the room and Jacob after him, trying to stop him from destroying Gondor.  
  
"No! You see-" But it was too late. He ran towards a Ringwraith, and was tripped over by a girl. Suddenly, the door behind Jacob closed, and he saw the Dark Lord right next to him.  
  
"Kitty-chan, thanks. Go lock them in that cage over there that we have lying around for some reason." She went ahead and did so.  
  
"Why are you doing this?!" and exasperated Jacob asked, "Gondor will be run down by them? Why, why, why?!!"  
  
She shrugged. "Hey, I don't care, their music is awesome."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
It had been a few hours. They were talking about new songs to make. Jacob was forced to punch out Phil every 20 minutes or so. Then, something happened.  
  
Another door in the place opened. Phil realized that the door went straight outside, he had spent 5 hours with The Flaming Idiot (what Phil was known as that at work), for nothing!  
  
However, it was what came out of the door that surprised him. A man in a grey robe, and two halflings, who he immediately recognized as part of the Fellowship of the Ring so many years ago! They drew their swords and had a giant clash with the Nazguls. There were sparks and clings of metal as they fought. It went on like this for about 20 minutes (watch the movie to see what I mean), and finally Frodo grabbed a metal ashtray and threw it into the head of a Ringwraith.  
  
Everything stopped. Everyone stared at the guy. Finally, he spoke, and his obnoxious British accent gave him away as Johnny, "Ha! This ain't no blessed ashtray, and neither is any of your swords! You can't kill us!"  
  
Frodo & Co. thought about this for a second, before Frodo decided, "Oh shit!! Run!!!" They went out the way they came. All the people in the room were silent for a moment. They all sheathed weapons and sat back down on the couches. Finally, Johnny, still with an ashtray in his head, broke it.  
  
"So... when's the next concert?"  
  
AN Well, that was a lot of fun. Next time, Frodo and Co. tries some other methods, and maybe something else happens. I dunno, I'm making this up as I go! 


End file.
